Uncomfortable

I’m autistic (and ADHD). Just thought I’d get that out in the open. I’ve only known this since my mid 30s and well into motherhood. It’s not something I talk about to people in general. Not because it’s a secret, it just doesn’t really come up. But it is who I am and how I experience life.

I didn’t come to write about autism, or my discovery of it. That’s a story for another day.

I do want to talk about emotions.

And just how uncomfortable they can be.

Many neurodivergent people tend to feel their emotions more deeply, overthink situations (especially social interactions), and deal with RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder). All of this leads to getting stuck with uncomfortable emotions.

When you are deep in the feels all you want is it to end, because sitting in it is uncomfortable.

You want to fix it, to make it stop when it feels out of control. Anything for relief. When you feel all the feels intensely, especially the negative ones, all you want is that break. You crave it so badly that you are willing to do anything to get that relief.

This is when you might do things your logical mind wouldn’t dream of, because you know it’s not productive or helpful to anyone. But that craving to make it all stop is strong.  

For most things in life I function, I just have my quirks. However, the thing that I do struggle with, and it became worse after becoming a mother, is emotional regulation. My emotional chart reaches from one extreme to the other and everything in between.

I experience emotional depth with intensity in almost every situation. It’s amazing to be able to experience such joy. However, it’s the same on the negative side. When I’m sad, I feel it all.

It can become almost impossible to cope in daily life when you are feeling something so strongly. I know from experience it won’t last, but when I’m in the deep end it feels like I’m drowning.

You need to be stronger than your mind and force yourself to do things that will ultimately help.

It doesn’t mean you need to go from the deepest sadness to fully better. You just need to do enough, something simple, to get you started. Once you feel slightly better it’s easier to take back control and lead yourself out of the awful feelings.

Start with things to get you distracted. 

Don’t do things that require you to make decisions. It’s really tough to get a sad mind to make decisions. Just start doing simple activities.

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Things I do to ease my mind:

Get busy: anything really, busy work

Shower: Sometimes the heat feels comforting, and being clean is a mood boost

Exercise: Just start moving, even if it’s slow. Repetitive movement is great

Talk to friends: (be careful not to dump on them, if you fear that then avoid this one) But a friend you can have a basic social interaction with could be mood lifting

Go for a walk/hike: Being outside, plus exercise is amazing

Clean the house: Productive, movement, and mindless

Focus on a project: Something you have wanted to do maybe, bring a little joy

Write it all out: If you can’t stop dwelling on it, writing can help.

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Get your brain a little dopamine so you can get back in control.

The brain is wired to protect you. One that has been hurt many times in the past will remember that pattern. It will try to protect you from the worst pain again, by telling you worst case scenarios. This triggers’ extreme feelings of loss, betrayal, and grief. And the more you feed these emotions the deeper into the abyss you fall. And the farther from reality you become.

Trick your brain away from dwelling.

Next time things seem impossible to cope and you just can’t handle any more heaviness remember you need to kick your emotions out of the driver’s seat and get back to leading.

January (Said with a Deep Sigh)

Why does it feel like an ending in January, when it should be a fresh start? Everything is so busy in December you would think I’d be ready for a break from it all. And my body is screaming at me to take that break. Yet, I feel a sense of loss, and an ending. Maybe always starting the new year off sick doesn’t help, but there is a sense of it all being over and done, and everyone retreats into themselves. There is a feeling of sadness and grief. I keep telling myself that this is temporary, things will get back to normal again soon. But it doesn’t make sitting in it any easier.

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It’s a tough month for many because...

• After a joyful season everything is back to normal

• Getting back on track to regular life is a tough transition

• It’s a transition. That in general is never easy

• It’s dark outside and cold

• People are all over socializing so it can feel lonely

• Less people outside can be isolating

• Lots of sickness around

• Feeling exhausted

There are many reasons why this month feels heavy, and all of them make sense. After the high of the season, comes the low of normality. It still doesn’t make it easy.

Things to remind yourself of this month

• This is normal feelings and will pass

• People will come back to socializing soon

• You don’t have to return to normal life all at once (ease into it)

• Rest is just as important as anything else you have to do

Things you can do to ease the pain

• Be extra kind to yourself as you experience this time

• Extend the season a bit by keeping the decorations up a little longer

• Go for a walk with a good friend in the snow

• Do some exercise (yoga can be amazing)

• Start on one of your goals for the year

• Clean something or organize

• Take a nap

• Watch the snow fall with a hot drink in hand

Just to share a few ideas and remind you to be kind to yourself as you transition from joyful season to winter. You can do this. And this to will pass soon enough.

The Holiday Exhaustion

The holiday season is met with such anticipation. The joy, the fun, the excitement. The less talked about part is the pure exhaustion that comes with this season too. You keep telling everyone just how busy you are, but it’s all good things so it’s fine.

But is it fine?

We often come out the other side completely dysregulated and a high need to hibernate. And our bodies craving all the vegetables.

By the time January comes I always wish I had slowed down the activity and really savoured the magic. I love this whole season. I look forward to it every year. I say yes to all the events thinking that’s the best way to soak in every last minute of joy. However, that’s exactly how I find myself in this predicament at the end (and almost always sick).

The advice I’d like to give my future self (and for all of you):

It’s ok to not do all the things

It’s exciting when the party invites start to roll in, and more people reaching out to visit or go out for dinner. It’s so easy to want to participate in them all. Even with the severe Fear Of Missing Out, it’s a good idea to only do what you absolutely know you can handle. Otherwise, you just aren’t going to enjoy them all. And become a dysregulated mess surviving each social occasion. It’s better to pick quality over quantity here, only do the ones you are super excited about doing.

Build-in recovery time

Along with only picking your favourite events, it’s still going to be a lot more socializing then normal. It’s a good idea to build in a lot of recovery time. Whatever you like to do when everything becomes much too much. It could be TV time, reading, quiet time at home, even going for a walk.

Be your kids advocate

Along with your own recovery time, make sure you are making lots for your kids too. They need it even more and won’t know they do until they are a crying mess. There is often pressure to bring them to everything, with people telling you they will be fine, but you know your child best. Even if you deal with criticism from family, it’s your job to watch for the early signs that they may not be able to handle all the extra events. They need the recovery time and will be happier at the events you do go to because of it.

Forgive yourself if you run out of time or have to cancel

It’s ok to not be able to be at or do all the holiday things. You don’t need to go to everything, or bake all the cookies, or write everyone a card. It’s ok! Really.

You can change traditions that don’t work for you

We put high expectations on ourselves in the name of tradition. But every tradition was started at some point, which means any tradition can be put to an end too. If you aren’t enjoying it, don’t do it.

Don’t try to make everyone happy (especially family)

Stopping some traditions will have people on edge. But if it’s making you miserable why are you doing it? It’s hard to keep up with expectations of others, but ultimately you have to make choices based on your own and your family’s needs.

It’s ok to feel sad when things don’t live up to your own hype

We have so much of our own excitement and expectations to live up to around this time of year. Not all of them are going to play out as you expect in your mind. Other people may disappoint you too, as they deal with their own limitations. It’s a long season, you can’t expect to feel festive through every moment. It’s ok to feel down or unhappy. There is a lot you have to deal with that just doesn’t happen any other time of year. It’s normal to not feel joy at every moment.

More sitting by the Christmas tree with a drink and book

This is the best advice I’m giving to my future self as I enjoy the holidays. Just sit there, put the music on, take in the twinkling lights, and relax. This is where the real magic exists, in those quiet moments.