Striving for Perfectionism

This one is for all those perfectionists out there. The ones who need things to be just right. If only we lived in a perfect bubble. The problem is life isn’t perfect, no where near. And trying to keep control of it all leads to soul crushing exhaustion.

Humans aren’t perfect and trying to be so actually makes you kind of boring.

Sorry, I needed to be blunt.

If you think of your favourite people, what you love about them, it’s always the little quirky things. Not how perfectly they put themselves together.

But I understand how hard it is to let go of that control. I’ll admit it, I’m a perfectionist.

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Sitting on my balcony in my downtown condo.

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Before I had kids and a house, I kept my downtown one-bedroom condo in perfect condition. Honestly, it bordered on extreme. I was often teased about it by those around me (it was even mentioned by three different people in our wedding speeches). I think because my mind has always been chaotic controlling my environment was something I could do; it grounded my thoughts and anxiety.

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I was also very controlled with what I said in public, how I dressed, and how I presented to others. Very few people saw the real me. I had to be perfect all the time and would spiral into self-doubt if I ever made a “mistake”. In other words when I let my humanness show. However, by presenting myself this way I didn’t let people in either. I had very few friends and those I did attract were not the kind of friends I really needed. I felt like I had to keep up my persona all the time with them to be accepted.

You can only attract your kind of people by showing them you!

Fast forward to life with kids and a bigger house and starting out in a community not knowing a soul. I was deeply lonely, and still trying to strive for perfection in all aspects of my life. I was drowning. My perfect life was coming crashing down around me. After hitting rock bottom, and slowly building myself back up, I am learning in baby steps how to let go. And how to accept myself as I am. Don’t get me wrong it’s definitely still a work in progress, but I have come a long way from where I was, and I am a far happier person because of it.

Stress caused by trying to maintain perfectionism is huge.

Having the perfect house is not worth yelling at your kids all the time for making messes.

It’s not worth attracting people that don’t bring you absolute joy, who love you for being you.

Striving to be perfect all the time prevents you from even trying for fear of making “mistakes”.

It is scary to let go of the control, but the risks are worth the rewards.

We humans are meant to fail, to fall, to make mistakes. It’s absolutely the best way to learn. And you will make mistakes. But it’s what you do after the mistake that matters. You don’t need to beat yourself up about it, or dwell on it. Learn from it. Or if it involves a friend repair it. It will actually bring you closer together in most cases, because it shows you care enough to make it right.

To all the perfectionists out there, please remember to forgive yourself. And keep being you!

November Mood

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November is a transition month from fall to winter. Everything goes from pumpkin to Christmas. The weather slowly gets colder, days chilly and gloomy, and the sun sets earlier. It's time for all things cozy, warm sweaters, and hot drinks. 

Burn Out

I have always been busy.

There is something thrilling about being endlessly busy for some people. They thrive on it, wear it like a badge of honour, almost saying “look at how many things I can handle”. But it does go deeper than that. For some, it equals self-worth, success, and gives them a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. The more you can take on, more people you can help out, the higher the reward you feel. And it can be addicting.

When I was a young, I was that kid who couldn’t make it to the birthday party because of a dance show, who couldn’t make grade 8 graduation because of a serious rehearsal which would make or break our competition. I spent all my evenings, weekends, and summer training.

Then I entered an arts high school. It was the first time I felt at home at school, and I got involved. Every performance assembly (often opening act which required more rehearsals), every musical, I said yes to every friend’s choreography projects, and a few collaboration projects with the different arts. I took drama classes on top of my dance program, often running things like the Remembrance Day ceremony (which at an arts school was a full-on production). Music classes outside of school. And my dance training I did at my studio, where five days a week I would take the bus straight from school to the studio with my dinner and homework in hand.

I burned out, hard.

It was my first time experiencing my body physically shutting down, my brain just not working anymore, and the shame for feeling like I failed, was strong.

I didn’t have the tools to deal with it then and didn’t understand what was happening either. I tried to push through, but the more I pushed the more my body suffered.

First signs you are in burn out: Exhaustion, mood changes, stomach aches, headaches, getting sick with viruses more often, your brain not remembering as well, feeling the need to zone out more, and more physical injuries

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I actually reached my breaking point in first year university. Leading up to graduating high school I had so much potential. I had been given full scholarships, and placements at schools in the USA and Canada. My path was lined up ahead of me, all I had to do was pick. I ended up at the Ryerson Theatre School, in Toronto. Probably one of the toughest programs in Canada to get into, and here I was all set to get my career started. I also lived in residence that year, and would watch my peers going out at night, enjoying life, knowing I had ballet class at 8am the next day. Being surrounded by people having fun, and not spending every moment of their day training was eye opening for me. It took the director of the dance program to bluntly tell me my heart wasn’t in this anymore, to make me realize just how much I was burnt out. Perhaps, if I had better tools I could have gotten past the burn out and continued my dance career. However, I didn’t, so I quit. For the first time since I was about 5 years old, I wasn’t training as a dancer.

Dealing with the burn out by just simply quitting everything and having nothing to replace it isn’t ideal. It can lead to depression and loss. Making smaller changes early on when you experience the first signs of burn out is more beneficial in the long run.

After first signs of burn out: Evaluate your schedule (can you cut anything out), if there is something that you really don’t want to be doing follow that instinct, take some small breaks even just to take some deep breathes, talk to friends or a therapist, yoga or stretching is amazing to do

I spent the next few years lost. I stayed in Toronto, worked a lot of random jobs, enjoyed going out more. However, under it all was a complete loss of my identity, drive, and passion.

Slowly, I found another path. I went back to school for archaeology, worked in museums and in the field, found my partner, bought a condo. For a time, things really good, my life was organized, and I had purpose again. Eventually we got married, bought a house, and had two kids.

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Managing a house, two kids, and a job, without community or family support was tough. A difficult pregnancy, birth, and having a young neurodivergent kid all lead to some tough mental health issues. I ignored every early sign of burn out, stating I didn’t have a choice now, that I just needed to be stronger. I was creating my own misery. Yes, it was a tough situation, but I still needed everything to be perfect. As perfect as my life before kids, a house, and the utter exhaustion that comes from it all. As the kids got a little older, I started joining things, and adding to my schedule just for any sense of connection and purpose. All the while still not addressing the original signs of burn out.

Second burn out signs: after ignoring the first signs for a long time, I began to have more physical issues, more constant stabbing pains in my side, more migraine headaches, complete zone outs, irritability and emotional dysregulation, at one point I completely lost my hearing in one ear, constant anxiety

And yet, still I pushed through. I did go to the doctor to try and solve some of the physical pains, but all my tests would come up normal. Eventually, I let everything go unchecked for so long I ended up in the hospital with a stressed induced mini stroke. A major warning sign that if I did not make changes NOW the next time might be a full stroke. Only after my body was absolutely screaming for help did I finally make changes in my life. I now try to balance excitement, with rest, and having a busy schedule, with breaks.

Pause, rest, reset

I went to extremes when I dealt with burn out, one I completely quit everything, and the other I ignored the signs until the worst-case scenario happened.

When you start to notice changes in your physical and mental health take an assessment of your life. Follow the paths that you enjoy and cut some of the things that either don’t matter or you don’t want to do. Your health is worth so much more then saying yes to everything and everyone. There are certainly days I miss being really busy and feeling that rush of excitement. My brain thrives on that, but I know it’s not sustainable. Once again, it’s about balance. And that balance will shift constantly, depending on what you can handle at this point in your life, or month, or even day. And it’s totally ok to change it up!

Listen to your body, it’s telling you a lot more then you think.